Nevermind that the proposed new stimulus package is approximately $1,000,000,000,000 and loaded with government pork spending. And let’s not stress-out over the fact that we don’t have any sound economic basis nor any historical precedent for expecting such a government program to improve our economy. We needn’t be overly concerned with how careful and accountable our elected representatives in government will be when allocating these I-need-a-bigger-word-to-describe-enormous funds. That kind of second-guessing of our leaders would be petty, wouldn’t it? No, let’s devote a little time to thinking about how we’re going to scrounge up the money, shall we? I mean, we can’t really pay for the expenses we already have lined-up — haven’t for years, actually. So, how can we finance this stimulus?
Historically, these little financial slumps have sometimes been solved with wars. If we do a little light reading into the history of the Great Depression, we find that the Second World War was the real reason the United States emerged from the depression. Sorry Grandma, but FDR’s economic policies weren’t effective; he didn’t “save us all” with his government programs. Anyway, I find armed conflict to be a very undesirable option, especially when it’s really more about economics than national defense or noble ideology. So, with your indulgence, I am going to eliminate war as an option for now.
Another option is for the government to borrow the money. This selling of debt is not new, as I’m sure you’re aware. Many of us have savings bonds, right? So maybe we’ll just raise the $1,000,000,000,000 by selling debt. Let’s see, how many people would need to buy $1000 worth of savings bonds to get the funds for our little spending spree? Well, that would be only 1,000,000,000 people. Maybe the entire population of India (actually, just slightly less) would be willing to buy one? I don’t know, that just doesn’t seem likely. Or perhaps we could convince approximately 75% of the entire population of China to each buy $1000 in savings bonds? I’m not holding my breath on that either. It happens to be a very bad time right now — worldwide — to be looking for buyers in our economy. Most countries are having a pretty bad time of it themselves. For example, the government of Iceland has recently collapsed under their economic problems. Many countries have already expressed their unwillingness to buy any additional debt from the United States. Perhaps you disagree with me on some or all of these points? Well, surely you would agree that we currently have over $10,000,000,000,000 in debt, which we apparently aren’t paying down any time soon. Unless something drastic happens soon, the current list of taxpayers will all be long dead before the debt is paid. That means we’re leaving this enormous mess to our posterity, perhaps our great grandchildren? This violates my sense of fairness. How about yours? Remember, as soon as a $1,000,000,000,000 stimulus package is approved, then our national debt will be over $11,000,000,000,000. I am going to take the liberty of eliminating this option as well.
Next, there’s a little trick only the government can pull off for coming up with the money: just print more of the stuff. You know, if you or I were over-extended in our personal debt, we’d have a little trouble getting a loan to “stimulate” our finances. Uncle Sam may very well be in the same boat. But imagine how easy it would be for you and me to pay off our debts if we could just print more money? And it’s absolutely legal! Our currency isn’t really based on anything, so what’s to stop us? Sounds too good to be true. And it is. If we add $1,000,000,000,000 into the circulation of currency without creating any real wealth to go with it, then inflation will go up. This means the value of the money we already have will go down. So, we’ll have to spend more money to get the same stuff we were getting. This equates to something akin to a tax increase, especially when you consider that the government will also have to spend more money to get the same stuff it was getting. And, if they need more money, where are they going to get it? Oh yeah, that’s the problem we’ve been discussing. It is obvious that printing more money just makes the problem worse. This option is out, too.
Another option for raising money is to raise taxes. I wouldn’t put it past them, but I hope our government leaders will read a little history and see for themselves that raising taxes doesn’t stimulate the economy. Even European countries have started lowering their taxes. Again, let’s vote no on this one as well.
I hesitate to even mention this one: cutting back on expenses. Yeah, I know. It’s not going to happen. It would be effective and responsible. It’s what you and I have to do if we get too big for our budget. It’s … okay, okay. Next.
How about we come up with some creative ways to generate funds to pay for the stimulus? Let’s make the current media frenzy over Barack Obama pay off! His popularity is undeniable. So, why let that opportunity go to waste? The government could have officially licensed Obama gear — T-shirts, commemorative coins, autographed photos, etc… Perhaps the adoring fans would be willing to pay a premium to have the President kiss their babies? Think of it as their patriotic duty — especially if they voted for him. We charge extra for personalized license plates; why not charge extra for those who want to use one of the President’s names for their newborns: $100 for Barack, $10 for Hussein and, perhaps, $200 for Obama?
Or we could sell off some of our assets? I’m sure the oil companies would pay top dollar for some of the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge — let’s be honest folks: most of that place is uninviting to even the wildlife. We’re in a crisis for crying out loud! Or maybe we could unload some of our gold reserve. It’s just sitting there. And for what? This is that rainy day we’ve been waiting for!
How about it? What are your ideas? Let’s try something different to raise the money! All of the ways we’ve been trying haven’t been working.
